Susan Swihart

If Only

If Only is a personal narrative of self portrait work that explores the challenges of being a wife, mother, artist, daughter and friend in the middle of a crossroads, at the middle of my life, not quite sure who I am now or what direction I am heading. It's a period that feels out of balance, a time where I struggle with the concept of aging and lost youth and the pursuit of having it all when I'm not really sure I want it. Often feeling that the person I thought I was has disappeared, replaced by familial needs and that slow and steady march through time as I shepherd my family forward. I am a participant observer in a life where I watch my children grow and take our place, while at the same time observe parents deteriorate. I'm lost somewhere in the middle with little room or time for personal growth or a clear understanding where I fit on the spectrum of my life. Not much time to reflect, but plenty of time to be wistful.

This series allows me to slow down and examine the ying and yang of motherhood, married life, and career choices at a time where life feels like it is moving too quickly, yet some days creeping on. It's that impermanence that I find unsettling as I accept that life is filled with highs and lows and long periods of mediocrity in between, and the inevitable fear that I could lose it all.

Artist Bio:

I was born and raised in Newton, Massachusetts. Growing up in a small, but busy home with my single mom, older brother, uncle and grandparents, I was hardly alone but eagerly sought out space to be by myself. I was happy to spend my days drawing and creating with whatever supplies I had. Studying art, design and film, I wound up in advertising - overseeing creative teams, art buying and production. Leaving my career to start a family, I have come back to my camera. I find inspiration in the people around me, the way we live, life at home and adventures in the world with my family.

Artist Statement:

As a child, whenever family or company would visit, I would always ask to sit with the grown-ups rather than play with the other kids. I was allowed to stay because I was quiet and they were able to forget I was there. I was fascinated by each character, and with their stories and interactions. As the evening went on, it felt so privileged to see how their true selves emerged.

I've always been an observer. I take pictures to capture a small moment and translate my personal experience into a shared one. Documenting a place in time or a personal event. Sometimes I am a passive observer, like in my childhood home, other times I'm recording my own domestic landscape. I am a collector of memories and intend to capture everything I can. I do this so that I cannot forget, but also to share it with others, so they will remember too.

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